To you

Thoughts of you cross my mind, a little too frequently lately. I thought I moved on and got over you, but I guess my mind was just burnt out from you and needed a break but you’re back and so are the urges you call you up and tell you I miss you. I want to let you know you’re on my mind and I want to give it a shot again, but I won’t.

I won’t because I’m stronger than that.

I’ve lived without you and I know I can continue to do it. As much as I might want you, I surely don’t need you and since I’m being honest, I think it’s just the loneliness creeping it. It’s the lonely nights when I lay awake in my queen-sized bed with your half-open and arms spread out wide hugging a pillow that makes me wish it was you instead. It’s the thunder that wakes me in the middle of the night and the rain pinging off the rooftop that wishes I could kiss your forehead. It’s the extra coffee left in the pot that used to have your name written all over it. It’s the things I got used to that I miss, but only when I’m lonely.

I miss you, but not enough to give into you, not enough to have you become a real part of my life again.

The truth is I think we make the memories out to be better than they were because we use those to cushion the blow, to make up still hang on to something that’s long gone in hopes that we won’t feel so alone. We cling to those old memories so we remember how good it feels to be loved and to try to stop our mind from thinking we are so alone. I know I can live without you because when you left I kept breathing, I kept living and kept going on with my day-to-day life. I’m not saying it didn’t hurt like hell and that it was easy because the pain of you leaving was excruciating.

But I did it – I’m surviving without you.

As much as I miss you when the storm is roaring outside and I’m on the bed alone, I refuse to let the loneliness inside my heart take over and talk to you because I know nothing good will come out of it. I know I will be doing nothing but adding to the self-inflicting pain I’m already causing. I know the next day I will still wake up alone and you will still be gone. I know that there’s no fixing where we left off. So, I’ll hug my pillow, I’ll find peace in the rain and I’ll pour the extra coffee down the drain, and slowly let you off my mind.

I won’t be talking to you because I’m getting stronger without you. And as much as I miss you and I surely don’t need you, so I’ll keep the silence growing and continue to move on with my life

Till then,

Alea