dark side

Sorry I wasn't able to update early this month as you can see the date today is 27th May which is 4 days away from June. I've been busy with my routine, many datelines needed to be submitted, online classes, and preparing meals for breaking fast. I hope it is not too late to wish you guys Selamat Hari Raya to my fellow readers ((((idk whos that lifeless to even read my blog haha)))

Right now, I should be doing my assignment but oh well  Alea always gets herself distracted too easily and procrastinating at her best. So yeah, my works are still pending but posting an update doesn't take hours! Since the MCO, ibu and I are spending a lot of time together especially in the kitchen. We cook, bake, and gossip in the kitchen while preparing a meal. Most of the time she asked me whether I am okay or not right after the incident that hit me pretty bad. She advised me that I need to focus on my life and if I were to meet someone new or someone who wants to get to know me, just welcome that person and who might know that person might be right for me. It's getting even weirder that my dad talked about marriage on my birthday. I know they just want the best for me but honestly speaking, I don't feel ready to get to know someone new and this might take years for me to be myself again. I am not rushing to feel better but it's getting better now that I finally eating regularly, sleeping well, and cry less now. Alhamdulillah.

May is the month where I decided to activate my Instagram back after 5 months of being away. It's good to see some of my friends are doing well now. Some of them are getting married, already married, and having a baby. It excites me a lot to think that wow I've been away for so long and curious about their updates. The reason why I'm being away is that I want to have my personal time alone, spending time reading, cooking, and bonding with my family. Having social media while you are not okay is not a good idea because you will eventually be comparing yourself with others. "Oh, I have done this before!" "Oh look at how happy I was before" "I used to go there too!" and bla bla is not good for self-healing. I'm not the type of person who likes to share everything but it's okay to share once in a while. I like seeing people updating their lives because it makes me happy by seeing them happy and it makes me a little bit sad that I wanted to be happy as well :/ and I think that is my dark side of me which I tend to compare my life with others. By comparing doesn't mean that I want to have what they had and it makes me wonder that I should work hard to achieve what I wished in my life. It's just like a motivation for myself to work harder. I don't think its wrong, isn't it?

Well, everyone has their own dark side. It's a side where only certain people would have seen or probably a side that only can be seen by your own self. Commonly, nobody wants those dark sides of theirs to be revealed and I find it really hard to differentiate between dark side or is it just me being a toxic one. There is a time where I feel completely sad about the thing that I did in the past which was not something to be proud of. The sadness lingers around me until I keep blaming myself to an extend where I think I deserve to be punished for what I did and sometimes I feel it is unfair that life is treating me this way and tend to leash this unfairness to an innocent person. Because to me, you have to feel what I feel and life isn't always fair to us. If I get hurt, you too must get hurt as well. This is not right, I know.

I am not bulletproof when it hurts me, it's hurting me. I could not pretend that it didn't hurt at all even I was the one to blame. You can blame me for the thing I did but you can't forbid me from having those feelings. I was not trying to be a victim but I do have feelings too. Every time I had these little flashbacks at the back of my head of what happened, the same feelings and pain again punched the hell off my chest.

As much of a nice person, you think I am, I hold grudges because time never did much healing to me. I barely forgive and forget. If you hurt me, I shall remember and I don't mind if you remember too.

Till then,
Alea.